Reply to Trans Guy

Can I have a post that doesn’t have a title as I can’t think of one?

How about ‘Reply to Trans Guy?’

Shall I re-upload my video I made primarily for Transmen here at WordPress, nah better not, why bother I can just link to it, or embed it, and get more views/plays. I can do that, that sounds awfully mercenary like, type of behaviour.

Is it part of being male to objectify females?

If I do I’m not aware of it. Maybe it was just that one guy in his apartment block who objectifies females, or thinks he has to, to be a real man?

I’ve been through this ‘real man’ shit before.

My doctor is far too professional to use such a stupid phrase.

Then again when I first moved to this town I’m in now, not knowing where anything was, I ended up walking the entire width of the town from where I was staying to attend at a doctors surgery. I tend to do that you know 1, walk and 2, go to doctors surgeries. It’s just something about me, probably that XXY something?

I need testosterone for a sex life. For energy. For masculinity. For happiness. I like being male. I’m quite happy to walk across a town’s width to get testosterone. In the phone book the two places I wanted to get to were side by side! I do that too, make ridiculous assumptions. Never mind, done now.

So there I was at this brand new doctors surgery, in this brand new town I’d recently arrived at, and I needed a script for testosterone. I need other drugs as well but I really need testosterone, and I really needed it right then. Sweating profusely, I tend to do that when I walk cross town. Cross Country with buildings. What’s going to happen, yeah I know what’s going to happen, what always happens, touchy squeezy da bally things, that’s what’s going to happen. Trouble is they’re not real anymore, and I know if I protest I won’t get the testosterone I so urgently need.

In any other place that is called BLACKMAIL!

That causes anxiety of course. Add another couple of degrees of heat. A few more litres of sweat. Full body tremors, they come back with a vengeance. I can’t stop myself from shaking long enough to light my smoke, whoops forgot, smoking inside is not allowed! I wonder will he want me to have an erection too? That’s a worry, more anxiety, more sweat, why did I even bother to get out of bed? Oh that’s right I remember, I NEED testosterone!

I’m an XXY guy, I really suffer from anxiety. I don’t smoke tobacco for no reason, it’s much more than just a mere addiction. I can literally make myself physically sick with worry, and it’s all imagined! Imagined on the basis of some fairly compelling real life situations, mind you!

It’s finally my turn, I get to see the doctor. Can I report that all my anxiety was for no reason? It has worked out that way many times before, like when I found my Grandfather’s jacket in my wardrobe. It would be nice to have imagined it all, but it wasn’t, I was 100% accurate. When you’re XXY you’re like a ‘pot of gold’ to a brand new doctor, well almost any doctor really.

I have to put in a mild protest of course. “They’re not real, you don’t have to do this, it’s in my notes, you can read all about it, I’ve not had real balls for years, there’s nothing to squeeze, if you want to know what prostheses feel like you can always buy your own pair, I did!” To no useful avail, why I even bother talking I don’t know! It’s like watching a circumcision ‘operation’ the baby’s screaming his lungs out, and the doctor appears completely oblivious to his suffering, and just continues anyway!

Oh and I have added a physical protest in the past, when I had real balls too, and they crushed them as that what it felt like, crushing, and I’d push their hand off me. I was so much weaker and smaller than them though, they could easily overpower me, and did. One even pinned my arms to the couch with his right leg and left hand, and crushed my balls with his right hand. I call that torture!

This is called an ‘examination’ by the way, just in case you’re confused, this isn’t assault. I willingly put myself though this every time I see a brand new doctor. I don’t have any fucking choice! I’m really angry about it too, I just thought I’d chuck that in for measure.

“Leave me alone, why don’t you leave me alone, just leave me alone, leave me alone…..” someone should write a song using those words! I can think of a tune for them too, this one!

Do men really objectify women as a function of our being? I think it must be practiced, or learned behaviour. I think many men are used to objectifying all sorts of people, especially men doctors.

Oh and because I didn’t have an instant erection, and because in my notes it says what level of testosterone I was prescribed at that time, the brand new doctor said “I think you’ve got enough testosterone, you’re taking too much, you don’t need any more.” “Ohh?” I inquisitively questioned, leaning my head to one side – this is called looking at someone sideways. “You’re shaking, sweating, anxious, and impotent, all the signs of too much testosterone” he added.

I have excellent reason to be anxious.

Is this what happens to Transmen who go to their doctors for more testosterone, as I know they need it? Do you have to flop your ‘package’ out so the doctor can examine it in fine detail? Do you have your foreskin pulled back to induce an erection? Oh no that’s right, Tran’s men’s prostheses don’t have a foreskin, and their penis is not erectable.

To get the full male experience you need to have male genitals, and it helps if you’re an XXY male, not that I’ve been any other kind of male, but my presumably XY male friends don’t report anything even remotely similar. They never have their real balls squeezed at all.

what graeme's balls really really do look like_wmv_1

I did get the testosterone in the end, when I said I didn’t have a car and had to walk everywhere. When I gave him my Endocrinologists phone number to call. As I said, “It’s all in my notes, you don’t have to do this!”

My Balls

My balls are absolutely artificial. Further down I show a video of them, so if you don’t want to see it, don’t select it.

I’ve read some pretty dubious accounts by some XXY guys regarding their treatment, testosterone in particular, and what doctors have supposedly said to them, although they don’t actually name the doctor they’re referring to.

Mr Colin Calcinai, Plastic Surgeon – he gave me the greatest pair of balls I’ve ever had, and I’ve still got them too!

Dr John W Delahunt, Endocrinologist – didn’t always get things right, was relying on me to report accurately, that might have a been a mistake? Has always kept me up to date, and always provides information as I request it, and treats me in accordance with my wishes. Me not having the language skills to ask appropriate questions, was not his fault.

Dr Riseley G.P. informed my parents of my diagnosis without asking me, even though he was not obliged to, I was legally a minor. I never talked to him beyond basic medical care, ever, as a result of his decision. When my trust in someone has gone, that’s it forever.

So I don’t have a problem naming doctors and saying what they did, or didn’t do. When my scrotum split wide open a day after my second surgery Mr Calcinai did shout ‘keep still’ when he was trying to sew back up, as I was really agitated and not co-operating as much as I could. It doesn’t matter to me that they are artificial, when my balls start falling out it’s a shock!

So I’m just dumbfounded by some of the reports I read from other XXY guys, who seem to be inventing accounts as they’re so far removed from my personal experience.

I made the below video in 2010 and uploaded it as an unlisted video to YouTube. I made it on a Monday for the viewing of my Endocrinologist on the Wednesday following. I mentioned I’d made it in another video and a YouTube staff member red flagged it and removed it, claiming it had been seen by ‘members of the community’ but it never had been, no-one had ever seen it. This is a breach of YouTube’s rules in that an unlisted video can only be seen by a person the link is shared with, and I’d not shared it with anybody. I made it for my Endocrinologist to avoid a medical examination. I thought it was a brilliant idea. I mention my BMI (Body Mass Index) which I can report is still the same today. Nudity is allowed on YouTube, except when I do it.

I have an Endocrinologist who talks to me. He doesn’t just say, ‘this is it, take it or leave it‘ he gives me options, he always has done. He has never said to me ‘you can’t be a real man without testosterone therapy.‘ I wanted testosterone before he would give it to me. I had to wait over 12 months from initial contact with him to be started on testosterone. So all accounts of XXY guys being forced to, or cajoled into, taking testosterone are alien to me.

I can’t remember the name of the original Surgeon who inserted my first set of bigger balls. They were like hard pigeon eggs anyway, and I do have Mr Calcinai’s description, so I don’t really need to name that Surgeon. There’s no point in continuously complaining, when the matter’s been resolved. It’s much more pleasing and helpful to praise the Surgeon who did the best job, than complain about the Surgeon who did the worst. They were both constricted by medical policy in New Zealand that didn’t, and still doesn’t, allow either to remove an XXY’s defunct testes, when inserting prostheses.

One account I believed was nonsense was of an XXY man claiming his doctor was giving him very large doses of testosterone and his body wasn’t registering it being there. It turned out he was taking the testosterone by capsule. I already knew how that form of testosterone is used by the body, and I assumed he did too, and was just being misleading, deliberately. Then a few years later another XXY man approached me with the same story, how his level was not increasing when tested for with a blood test. “Aha” I thought, “how similar!” Yes the capsule’s testosterone can’t be measured in a blood test! It’s transported round the body in fat, not blood. 😛

So is it possible for two totally unrelated XXY guys to recount a similar story about an identical product, you bet! Not all doctors do know what they’re doing in regard to testosterone. XXY guys like me want to know what each product does, and how it works, how long it’s duration is, everything really about whatever the product is. I knew from the very moment I started on the capsules that the other perceived benefit would be real, no more blood tests, no more needles period!

A surgeon who has obviously had a little too much to drink.

Surgery – Prostheses

It’s amazing, some people criticise endlessly. Oh well ‘nothing ventured nothing gained‘ I read somewhere.

epididymis

That’s a nice diagram, at least it’s got a foreskin. That testicle is about right, I think? Not only my teeth are artificial. I don’t know what real balls look like on me, I don’t think I ever had fully mature testes. I don’t think most people know how big they’re supposed to be. If you listen to AC/DC or Jerry Lee Lewis you might get an idea?

If only it was that fast! It took years to get that result, and two main surgeries, one of which was a complete waste of time, effort, and pain! When you’re 12 and you have your balls fiddled with by a doctor you remember it, and when you’re 19 and have them surgically ‘fiddled’ with you not only remember it, you feel it. Having genital surgery is painful, really painful!

This is an extract from a report I publicise:

Testicular implantsThat extract is from Klinefelter’s syndrome: The Need for Early Identification and Treatment

If you want to get a copy of it, read below:

need for early 01

So there you have it, from even before 1991 XXY guys have been getting their lives in order with corrective surgery. I don’t know how SS got on in life after his initial therapy, I hope he did alright?

I also don’t know if his prosthetic testes were satisfactory?

I do know my first set weren’t. They were terrible.

asthenic_v1

When I talk about my diagnosis, I don’t make anything up, I’m not recounting an unusual event, the truth will do. I think that adds credibility to what I say. Others who have unusual accounts offer no evidence.

I have good scrotal and penile development but that doesn’t mean to say everybody who was a doctor I met thought so, nor does it mean those who also thought so agreed there was anything amiss.

The first Junior doctor I saw for my first set of prostheses said “There’s nothing wrong with him.” after examining me. His boss, the Surgeon, on the other hand said “Don’t be so bloody stupid!”

When I was 19 I looked 15, and the Junior doctor didn’t know how old I was, or he thought I was just at the start of puberty, I think? I still looked 15 in my 20’s. Looking too young was a major problem in my life. I quite like getting old, like my peers. It’s taken a long time to catch up.

That’s all about too little testosterone. So all the XXY guys who claim they were given very large doses of testosterone, and stayed looking much younger than what they were, yeah they’re going to have come up with documentation to prove it. Taking an XXY guy at his word, without independent corroboration, is fraught with difficulty.

I can’t seem to locate the letter by John discussing my first set of prostheses with my then G.P. Basically he was saying the results were ‘technically accurate’ but then he didn’t have to wear them! My natural testes were sewn up to the top of my scrotum, and the first set were left to occupy the rest of it. I presume they were anchored in some way?

However, having two pair of balls in a well developed but not exactly big scrotum was difficult. They would regularly ram my testes. I was kicking myself in the balls by doing every day normal things, like sitting down or standing up, or riding my bike, just like it was when I was a kid! Why is it that boys bikes have that badly placed bar right where their balls are when they dismount? What fool designed that!

I’m sure you can imagine the difficulty. SS on the other hand had both his testes removed, before his prostheses were inserted. In New Zealand that’s not how they do it. In New Zealand if you want ‘big balls’ because your natural testes have atrophied, you have to have two pair as the only way you’re going to get the testes removed is with your partner’s consent, and if you don’t have a partner, you’re screwed!

The below letter confirms I did really have 2 pair of balls, just in case you don’t believe me?

orchid

And this letter confirms the absolutely bizarre nature of my appearance.

bizarre1